On this day, the ninth of February, twenty and sixteen, AnyCorp LLC was birthed out of the mind-vaginas of its Board of Directors.
Swaddled in blankets of red and blue (the favorite colors of all good corporations), he is truly a bundle of joy that’s ready to be unleashed upon the world!
Having become fully “incorporated,” that is to say, having assumed his “body,” this new corporeal beast is now considered to be a “legal person,” which just means that now it can go out and sue the pants off of other persons, both “legal” and “natural.” Dang, ain’t it great to be a legal fiction!!
AnyCorp, being a fiction, doesn’t really exist of course, but don’t blame him for not realizing this. He thinks he exists, and that’s good enough. He can’t be blamed if he’s nothing more than an empty shell that acts as a blowback buffer for the real men that own him – a decoy to draw fire away, a ruse that allows those real men to be exposed to only limited liability, if any at all. Anycorp is the puppet to his owners’ ventriloquism, and can speak only the words they put into his mouth. Despite that, this poor little baby corporation, like Pinocchio, thinks he is a “real boy!”
Being, as he is, the love-child of men who are entirely sold out to the Devil, baby AnyCorp is literally the spawn of the spawn of Satan, as are all corporations, after all.
You see, there is a reason they are called “corporations”: it’s not just so that they can be presented to the world as “persons” having a body, and therefore claim the rights and privileges of persons. It’s also because every demon needs to have an empty vessel to quicken and posses or else it cannot walk the earth like you or me. That is the primary reason why we have corporations. They exist so the Devil can do his work.
And baby AnyCorp simply cannot wait to get out there and start doing that Devil’s work, namely, the destroying and crushing of souls.
These are your typical ladder-climbers, mid to upper management, those for whom there appears to be no glass ceiling whatsoever. Like bread crumbs to Hansel and Gretel, these souls are led to their doom by benefit packages, corner offices, and new titles which they often will affix to their breasts while strutting about proudly through the fluorescent-lit halls of AnyCorp. Don’t try to warn them that those crumbs are leading them straight into the witch’s pot. They aren’t listening to the likes of you.
Now on to the souls that AnyCorp will crush.
This miserable lot are those who bumped their noggins into the glass ceiling upon taking their first step onto the lowest rung of the corporate ladder. When they entered their first position at this company, they’d entered their last position there as well. They aren’t going anywhere!
Don’t worry, wage slaves. It’s nothing personal. It’s just business. The Devil’s business, AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!
That’s right. AnyCorp exists to crush souls, so someone has to get their soul crushed. It just turns out that that someone is you.
Oh there, there now. Don’t be sad. See, over there on that wall? AnyCorp cares so much about you he took the time to hang some positive motivational posters on the wall so you can read them to lift your spirits when you’re down (and hopefully to boost your production rate too). Helpful messages like “Don’t stop when you are tired. Stop when you are DONE!” and “Stop wishing – start DOING!” will help give you the extra push you need when you feel like all is hopeless in this fake world of artificial corporations.
Look at the bright side: your soul is only crushed. At least it’s not destroyed, like the soul of your boss who is coming over here right now. Quick! Look busy!
When baby AnyCorp grows up a bit and starts to talk, it’s going to sound a little strange. Don’t worry. That’s because corporations have a language all their own. To mortal ears it may sound like the most gutless, soulless speech ever uttered, but that’s just typical CorpSpeak.
You might hear phrases like action item and base-tending. Carpet call and data-point. Econometrics, face time, gerbil tubes, and hypertasking. Idea shower, jobstopper, killer app, lawyer up, market-facing, nontreprenuer, onboarding, and penetration pricing. Q1, recontextualize, skills ecosystem, time-poor, upside, upspeak, upshot, and upskill. Value-added, workstream, xerox subsidy, yield loss, and zombie project.
That’s A to Zed and we’re only scratching the surface. Some might say that if anyone is ever caught using these words they should be boiled in oil on the spot, but that’s because they just can’t appreciate CorpSpeak – which is to say, they have a soul. AnyCorp will rectify that problem immediately.
The other things corporations exist to do is kill, steal, and destroy. Just like their father, the Devil.
Yes, over two thousand years ago a carpenter in Jerusalem spoke of the rise of modern corporations and those who would create them. Unfreakingbelieveable – yet true. He not only predicted their rise, but perfectly framed their character and pedigree.
Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.
And because I tell you the truth, ye believe me not. John 8:44-45
Nope – no one believed him then, and no one believes him now. That’s because the world hates the truth, but loves the lie. And boy do corporations love to lie. And kill. And steal. Destroy, also.
AnyCorp has BIG plans, let me tell you – like chopping down rainforests in order to put up shopping malls. What? Been done already? No worries. It’s a great big world.
How about triggering an oil leak in the beautiful waters of the Gulf of Mexico? BP? Really?
Ok – how about this: I’ll build a nuclear reactor near a fault line aaaaaannnnddd on the shores of the Pacific so that an earth quake will cause a tsunami that will lead to a China Syndrome event and all the waters of the Pacific Ocean will become perpetually contaminated with nuclear radiation. What’s that? Fukuwhatnow? Fuku-yourself, Tepco. Your taking my best ideas.
No problem – the world’s the Devil’s playground, everyone loves lies, I don’t even exist, and no one knows what the hell is really going on. My name is AnyCorp, LLC. Pleased to meet you.